Expectations, Abilities and Attributes—Why Couples Quarrel

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 One of the assignments I gave to my Marriage and Family students was to interview a man and a woman, or an engaged couple, or a married couple, using these two statements as structure: "I expect my husband/wife to be able to...(cook, sew, drive a truck, scuba, etc., i.e. abilities); and "I expect my husband/wife to be...(loving, kind, obedient, a good parent, willing to take out the garbage, etc. i.e. attributes)" Those interviewed were requested to list at least ten things in each of the four categories and then prioritized these items from the most to the least important.

This proved to be an easy assignment if the man and woman interviewed did not know each other; it proved more problematic when the student questioned separately an engaged couple or a husband and wife and later the couple compared notes. I learned the value of this exercise after the first time I saw the results and began using it with some of the married couples I counseled to help them find the rubs in their relationship. I also offered it to couples engaged to be married and I know that exercise was responsible for more than one terminated engagement. (If you are contemplating marriage and your intended refuses to do this exercise... think carefully about making this commitment.)

A couple starts out as friends and the role of friend involves a set of behaviors that are more often learned through trial and error than taught or modeled. When the couple marries, they take on the very different roles of husband and wife. These roles are scripted by others i.e. examples set by parents and role definitions established by the larger society—state, church, tradition.

Obviously conflicts in marriage originate when items on each person's lists are more different than similar or where they are the same but prioritized differently. (Example: Second on her list is "...expect my husband to be a good father;" and the same item is tenth on his list.) Almost invariably a couple planning to marry seldom discuss their expectation for each other as husband and wife. They assume that their expectations are the same, will be met by each other, and they will live happily ever after. The rate of divorce in America certainly indicates this is not true.

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