Pillow Talk

I am not a certified sex therapist, but I did a fair amount of sex counseling as a part of my private practice and I have a thick file of questions from my Human Sexuality students indicative of the problems that many couples have experiencing sexual pleasure. At the root of these problems is the lack of pillow talk.

We are bombarded by sexual imagery, most of which portrays the ideal—tantalizing bodies, attractive (provocative) clothing, scents to arouse sexual desire. There are countless nostrums and 'toys' readily available OTC that purport to enhance sexual pleasure when all that is really necessary comes built in to our bodies.

For reviews of my books, visit my website, http://www.bfoswaldauthor.com. Thank you

The brain is the primary sex organ. Ideas and imagery originate there, as do the necessary sexual reflexes; our natural body scent is recognized and interpreted by the olfactory-cerebral connection¹, sexual responses are designed and perfected by the brain, sexual pleasure and orgasm are experienced therein, as is the ability to discuss these experiences. Unfortunately expectations, misconceptions, misunderstandings, performance anxiety, and sexual frustration are equally in lodging and act as barriers to sexual pleasure. Far too often these are considered private (embarrassing) issues and couples do not share them with each other. How can he or she know what gives pleasure or causes pain if they won't discuss it? Honesty is one of the foundation stones of a healthy relationship but unfortunately it is often lacking when it involves intimacy. Misunderstanding untreated begins a continuum—frustration to anger to loss of interest. Both partners lose valuable moments that bond as a result.

Although many parents are more open to general questions about sex from their children, and answer them with a modicum of comfort, they stress that sex is an adult thing, preferable only within marriage. Few go one to discuss the need for openness in intimacy—how to talk to your partner about what you like and don't like, what feels good and what doesn't, the nuances of sexual response—how to give and receive sexual pleasure. These are blanks they believe their children will fill in for themselves with experience. Unfortunately they often don't.

¹See my next blog, The Scent of Sensuousness.

What do you think of this article? Please post your comment on my Facebook Timeline, on Facebook, or send it to me at mailto:bfoswald78@gmail.com.  Thank you.

Adult Sex—Barriers in the Bedroom

A great deal of media and social attention is given to adult sexual behavior. The more common forms are innuendos and jokes expressed through a lexicon replete with numerous euphemisms for coitus and genitalia. The epithet dirty is all too often applied to this category of expression. Even though there is a much greater public exposure of and attention paid to matters sexual, adult sexuality as well as sex in general is tainted with this Victorian stigma.

Mental health experts have posited that the reason we joke about sex so frequently and in such a pejorative manner is because we are uncomfortable at best, afraid at worst, of our sexuality. Not one of the three generations of our citizens since The McHugh Report: What Americans Need to Learn About Sex¹ was published, has developed a national straightforward, comprehensive, honest sex curriculum for its children. For far too many, sex knowledge is a combination of street talk, misinformation under the guise of programs such as Abstinence education, and only a smattering of reliable information. As the twig is bent so is the tree inclined—as adults we carry this mix of bullshit and reliable information into our bedrooms where in far too many instances it hinders more than helps partners enjoy each other sexually. 

For reviews of my books, visit my website, http://www.bfoswaldauthor.com. Thank you.

Far to frequently, the media representations of adult coupling are idealized. What we are shown are very attractive partners lusting for sex, orgasmic, and sublimely satisfied afterwards. The barriers to this happening in real life are too numerous to list in this blog, (but will be addressed in my next blog). As was so often stated by couples I was counseling, infrequently is one partner in the same place emotionally and physically at the same time as the other; nor does each partner have the same awareness of the nuances of sexual arousal, erogenous zones, or is in tune to the other's sexual response. Women and men frequently fake orgasm because they believe that mutual orgasm should be the end result of perfect coupling and it needn’t be. Too often the effort to achieve a mutual climax is a real barrier to success.

What we need, and what we will not achieve as long as wealthy sexual conservatives use their political influence to prevent it, is a comprehensive, legitimate sex education program for all of our children K through 12; this should be second only to comprehensive, legitimate sex education by parents, which is by far more desirable.  If our children entered adulthood with a healthy knowledge of and attitude about their sexuality and the nuances of sexual coupling, a lot about sex that provokes so much media attention would be lost. The popularity of talk shows specializing in scandalous sexual liaisons, of sitcoms rife with sexual innuendo, of pornography would become passé. Of even greater importance, cultures that teach their children about sex openly and honestly have much lower rates of child sexual abuse and rape compared to those of sexually schizophrenic cultures such as ours. 

¹For a brief but comprehensive report about adult discomfort with sex and the problem this creates for intimacy see: Dr. Gelolo McHugh with J. Robert Moskin, “The McHugh Report: What Americans Need to Learn About Sex,” Collier’s, November 9, 1954, 36–40, http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6448/. I find it disturbing that our attitudes about adult sex have changed so little since this response to the Kinsey reports was published almost three generations ago.

What do you think of this article? Please post your comment on my Facebook Timeline, on Facebook, or send it to me at mailto:bfoswald78@gmail.com.  Thank you.

A Father's Prayer

I stand apart

     as a father must

         at times like these

and watch my youngest

      take her first, brave steps

         into the uncertain world of adulthood

            

Free at last from the bonds

     that both supported and restrained her    

            (albeit of family and friends)

she sails like a kite

      set free upon the wind

            tether broken of necessity

             

 I wish for her the steady winds

            of optimism and of hope

the guiding drafts of courage

            and of purpose set                 

the soft airs

            of loves remembered and yet to be found

                          

And when adversity assails

            I wish her sturdy craft

                        the strength to weather gales

and though tempest tossed

            safe passage un-battered through life's storms

                         

From her lofty view the world is hers

            (what experience lacks

                        enthusiasm more than takes the strain)

She is free to go

            to take direction from the wind                     

And so she must

            for no one else can set her course

                        or guide her on her way.

I stand apart

            as a father must at times like these                

and watch with pride and faith

            as she, who crafted by my hand

                        (though yet unfinished)

sails free upon the winds of life

             with my promise of support and love

       

HACC

I have a lovely, patient wife—most of the time. I know I strain her patience when, probably 90% of the time, I respond to something she says to me with, "What?" She had commented enough times about my becoming hard of hearing to make me take advantage of one of those free hearing evaluations, which proved I have not gone deaf. Yes, I have lost some of my ability to hear high frequency sounds and that does create a problem for me because voice recognition depends in a large part on these wavelengths, as does the ability to recognize certain letters of our alphabet, so some words seem to have gaps in them. My brain fills in that blank, but it takes a fraction of a second to do so, and in that space my brain ask for more information. "What?" That is due to HACC.

Imagine a six-way intersection with a cop in the center that lets one car proceed at a time. Take away the cop and shortly there is confusion as several cars attempt to enter the intersection at the same time. (You may have experienced something similar to this when the traffic light controlling flow at a multiple intersection is not functioning.) The human brain can only process one piece of information at a time and in order to 'multi-task' it must select which input to attend to in some kind of order. Younger brains prioritize more rapidly than older brains; the cop is on duty. As the brain ages, it becomes less able to choose between pieces of information and gives more that one the same priority. This causes a lag in understanding what was heard. So the brain prioritizes that input and asks for more information; thus the request to have the speaker repeat what s/he had said. Most often this is not caused by hearing loss, although it may be exacerbated by it, but by information overload from other stimuli occurring at the same time such as background noise or movement that demand the same priority. (I can not 'hear' dialog in a movie if the music or background noise are nearly as loud as the speech—HACC.)

Read reviews of my books on my web-site, http://www.bfoswaldauthor.com.

As one ages, a significant part of understanding what is said depends on seeing as well as hearing. From birth we pay careful attention to faces and words are accompanied by expressions, especially around the mouth. (Note the cognitive dissonance when watching a foreign film with dubbed English.) The younger brain is not as dependent on lip movement because it more quickly and effectively recognizes speech sounds. The older brain is much more dependent on seeing lip movements. Have you noticed that when talking to an older person, s/he seems to look more attentively at you? They are trying to 'see' what you are saying as well as hear it. Generally you do not have to raise your voice when speaking to a senior citizen, you just have to look directly at them. When you turn away, the cop goes off duty, and the brain can't decide which of many stimuli to process next, and your interlocutor has to ask you to repeat what just you said. Generally you will look directly at the person this time and s/he will 'hear' you now.

There is another manifestation of HACC that occurs when you talk to an older person on the telephone. Because voice recognition depends so heavily on high frequency sound, an older relation whose high frequency discrimination has deteriorated will have trouble recognizing that it is you on the other end even if you call frequently. You may be greeted by a momentary silence while the senior's brain waits for other pieces of identifying information, or by a more direct, "Who is this?"  Be not insulted or hurt. In fact avoid confusion on both parts by telling the older person immediately who you are. Since HACC and high frequency hearing impairment are a normal part of aging, they are to be expected, and require awareness and tolerance on the part of the younger speaker. If the oldster needs you to speak louder and slower s/he will (or should) ask you to.

What do you think of this article? Please post your comment on my Facebook Timeline, on Facebook, or send it to me at mailto:bfoswald78@gmail.com.  Thank you.