Adult Sex—Barriers in the Bedroom

A great deal of media and social attention is given to adult sexual behavior. The more common forms are innuendos and jokes expressed through a lexicon replete with numerous euphemisms for coitus and genitalia. The epithet dirty is all too often applied to this category of expression. Even though there is a much greater public exposure of and attention paid to matters sexual, adult sexuality as well as sex in general is tainted with this Victorian stigma.

Mental health experts have posited that the reason we joke about sex so frequently and in such a pejorative manner is because we are uncomfortable at best, afraid at worst, of our sexuality. Not one of the three generations of our citizens since The McHugh Report: What Americans Need to Learn About Sex¹ was published, has developed a national straightforward, comprehensive, honest sex curriculum for its children. For far too many, sex knowledge is a combination of street talk, misinformation under the guise of programs such as Abstinence education, and only a smattering of reliable information. As the twig is bent so is the tree inclined—as adults we carry this mix of bullshit and reliable information into our bedrooms where in far too many instances it hinders more than helps partners enjoy each other sexually. 

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Far to frequently, the media representations of adult coupling are idealized. What we are shown are very attractive partners lusting for sex, orgasmic, and sublimely satisfied afterwards. The barriers to this happening in real life are too numerous to list in this blog, (but will be addressed in my next blog). As was so often stated by couples I was counseling, infrequently is one partner in the same place emotionally and physically at the same time as the other; nor does each partner have the same awareness of the nuances of sexual arousal, erogenous zones, or is in tune to the other's sexual response. Women and men frequently fake orgasm because they believe that mutual orgasm should be the end result of perfect coupling and it needn’t be. Too often the effort to achieve a mutual climax is a real barrier to success.

What we need, and what we will not achieve as long as wealthy sexual conservatives use their political influence to prevent it, is a comprehensive, legitimate sex education program for all of our children K through 12; this should be second only to comprehensive, legitimate sex education by parents, which is by far more desirable.  If our children entered adulthood with a healthy knowledge of and attitude about their sexuality and the nuances of sexual coupling, a lot about sex that provokes so much media attention would be lost. The popularity of talk shows specializing in scandalous sexual liaisons, of sitcoms rife with sexual innuendo, of pornography would become passé. Of even greater importance, cultures that teach their children about sex openly and honestly have much lower rates of child sexual abuse and rape compared to those of sexually schizophrenic cultures such as ours. 

¹For a brief but comprehensive report about adult discomfort with sex and the problem this creates for intimacy see: Dr. Gelolo McHugh with J. Robert Moskin, “The McHugh Report: What Americans Need to Learn About Sex,” Collier’s, November 9, 1954, 36–40, http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6448/. I find it disturbing that our attitudes about adult sex have changed so little since this response to the Kinsey reports was published almost three generations ago.

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