Pillow Talk

I am not a certified sex therapist, but I did a fair amount of sex counseling as a part of my private practice and I have a thick file of questions from my Human Sexuality students indicative of the problems that many couples have experiencing sexual pleasure. At the root of these problems is the lack of pillow talk.

We are bombarded by sexual imagery, most of which portrays the ideal—tantalizing bodies, attractive (provocative) clothing, scents to arouse sexual desire. There are countless nostrums and 'toys' readily available OTC that purport to enhance sexual pleasure when all that is really necessary comes built in to our bodies.

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The brain is the primary sex organ. Ideas and imagery originate there, as do the necessary sexual reflexes; our natural body scent is recognized and interpreted by the olfactory-cerebral connection¹, sexual responses are designed and perfected by the brain, sexual pleasure and orgasm are experienced therein, as is the ability to discuss these experiences. Unfortunately expectations, misconceptions, misunderstandings, performance anxiety, and sexual frustration are equally in lodging and act as barriers to sexual pleasure. Far too often these are considered private (embarrassing) issues and couples do not share them with each other. How can he or she know what gives pleasure or causes pain if they won't discuss it? Honesty is one of the foundation stones of a healthy relationship but unfortunately it is often lacking when it involves intimacy. Misunderstanding untreated begins a continuum—frustration to anger to loss of interest. Both partners lose valuable moments that bond as a result.

Although many parents are more open to general questions about sex from their children, and answer them with a modicum of comfort, they stress that sex is an adult thing, preferable only within marriage. Few go one to discuss the need for openness in intimacy—how to talk to your partner about what you like and don't like, what feels good and what doesn't, the nuances of sexual response—how to give and receive sexual pleasure. These are blanks they believe their children will fill in for themselves with experience. Unfortunately they often don't.

¹See my next blog, The Scent of Sensuousness.

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