I am not aware of a subject more troubling to our
culture than the sexual development of children. A neonate is a package of
genetic material that eventually must be shared sexually if our species is to continue.
Because of this exceedingly important commission, children come with a set of
innate sexual abilities, impulses and responses. Obstetricians have observed
that newborn males often have erections and newborn females show signs of
vaginal lubrication. Also the neonatal female's ovaries contain all of the eggs
she will produce during her life time.
Pediatricians and parents report that pre-toddlers often explore their genitals when they are naked, and one of the unfortunately
too common behaviors of female toddlers is their propensity to push objects
into their vaginas. More evidence of this sexual curiosity is the many reports
I received from student-parents of pre-schoolers who became aware during sex that
their little person was observing their behavior, which usually caused
immediate concern that such an experience would somehow warp their child even
though for the child it was just one more important learning experience—if it was
handled calmly without shock and awe by the parents. Anthropological studies of
families that live together in one room, where the sexual coupling of their
parents and other sexually mature persons is frequently witnessed by the
children, report that these children do not evince any short or long term psychological
or social damage from the experience.)
Three to six-year-olds have for eons played variations
of 'you show me yours and I'll show you
mine' that involve some degree of sexual exploration. One of the more
frequently asked questions by my Human Sexuality students focused on what a
parent should do when they discover their child involved in this behavior. One student
shared his experience and solution with the class. He walked into his garage
one afternoon to find his daughter and a neighbor boy of a similar age naked
and touching each other's genitals. He calmly told the youngsters that he had
cookies and milk for them in the kitchen and walked back inside. The children
dressed quickly and came into the kitchen almost on his heels. A calm, non judgmental response is the best response a parent can make in this situation,
a response that does not convey a negative message about sex or creates fear or
revulsion that the child must overcome later in life.
In an
episode of the sitcom Becker, Doctor
Becker begins a lecture on nutrition for a class of third graders only to find
himself sidetracked by questions about sex. He deals with these questions in an
open, honest manner. When the children report his remarks to their parents, the
parents respond angrily and demand a meeting with Becker. Thus confronted he
neither retreats from nor apologizes for his remarks, closing the sometimes
acrimonious discussion by telling the parents that if they had answered their
children's questions promptly and honestly, he would not have had to. Children
accumulate a lot of information about sex and their sexuality because they are
programmed to do so. Unfortunately that information is often inaccurate or confusing and therefore troubling. All too
often a parent's implied (not articulated) response to a child's sexually
related query is, "Don't ask because we are too uncomfortable with the
topic ourselves to answer you;" or the vague and unsatisfying response, "You
will learn about this when you are older," (whenever that is). Also adults
use a wide variety of euphemisms to name the genitalia instead of proper terms
like penis and vagina. (his wiener her cookie). Why? If parents are
uncomfortable with the subject, their responses often convey the message that the genitals are objects of shame
and sex is a 'dirty' topic best not openly discussed.
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