One
of my students made an appointment to see me in my office and his distress was
obvious as he sat down. After a few preliminaries he got to the point:
"I'm afraid that one of my parents is going to kill the other." He
continued that as long as he could remember, his parents had squabbled, argued
and on several occasions almost come to blows. I asked how long they had been
married; he told me almost fifty years. Then I asked how long had they been at
odds. As long as he could remember, he replied. Had they ever sought marriage
counseling? No. Every time he or any of his siblings suggested that, their
parents bluntly refused. Had they talked about divorce? One or the other
threatened it almost daily. Finally, did they fight about the same things
repetitiously, or different things. "That's what I don't understand,"
he said, "they fight over the same issues continually, mostly about things
that happened early in their marriage."
I
explored other areas of their relationship: Did they fight about important
issues such as raising the children, major purchases, the running of their home,
shared responsibilities? He replied that his parents seemed to agree on these
things without acrimony. Were they ever affectionate with each other? If they
were, he had never witnessed it.
His
was not a unique concern; I had heard similar conundrums from other students
and some of my patients. After exploring a number of these dysfunctional
relationship as far as possible, I came to the realization that most
disputative couples often followed the same rule: argue about something unresolvable
and therefore safe because its status as a bone of contention had long since
been established as acceptable to both and the outcome of the conflict
therefore predictable. Often these 'issues' were covers for deeper more painful
unresolved problems potentially destructive to the marriage if explored. Also these
intensely emotional repetitious altercations were substitutes for affection
which one (or both) was for some reason incapable of expressing. And they often
served as a prelude for a passionate reconciliation behind a closed bedroom
door.
To
the children, other family members, or close friends that are witness to a
couple continually at war with each other, I offer this unsatisfying advice:
don't interfere. These two combatants have agreed to live with each other in a
state of war safe for both regardless of how unhealthy their relationship
appears to others. Interference will not be welcomed or tolerated and may lead
to strained relationships as the couple will most likely turn on their
concerned and well-meaning rescuers.
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