Why Are There Two Sides (or More) to Every Story?

Find me on Facebook and visit my website, http://www.bfoswaldauthor.com. Thank you.

Have you ever wondered how you and a friend, significant other, or spouse can experience the same thing and understand it so differently? One of my Intro Psych experiments was a good example of this. One wall of my classroom was opposite a wall with windows and was devoid of any adornments. I instructed the students to look at that wall, determine what color it was, and then write their conclusion on the 3 x 5 card. After I collected the cards, I separated them according to the colors they named. Almost always I ended up with at least five or six different stacks. How could thirty students looking at the same wall at the same time decide it was a half a dozen different colors?

The answer is not complicated. Each was looking at that wall with a unique, genetically determined perceptual apparatus. Each pair of eyes differed from every other pair in the way they received the reflected light, as did the optical centers in their brains that translated what their eyes received—these are mechanical differences. Then there was the learning component. What had each student been taught to name that color? Finally, there was the environmental component—the light. Was it cloudy or sunny; morning, noon, afternoon or night time at the beginning of the experiment? The ambient light made a difference also.

These three components can be applied to any sensory experience and in most instances can be easy identified and therefore understood by all parties. There is a forth component that is far more complex—the meaning given to the experience by the participants. The meaning of a given experience relies heavily on understanding, a function of intelligence, i.e. what a person has learned; and emotion—how or what a person 'feels' about the experience. Therein lies the seed of misunderstanding and the reason for at least two sides to every story.

As a marriage counselor, my goal was to help a couple in conflict understand these components. (He doesn't purposely ignore you; his hearing is impaired and background noise exacerbates that.) (She only gets angry when you sound/act like her father.) Usually couples understood and accepted the mechanical aspects of their conflict; understanding and accepting the emotional components—not so easily. There was usually an interval of some duration between acceptance by the couple of the perceptual components and the emotional, understanding and validating each other's feelings; between what made sense and what felt right. Unfortunately with some couples, mutual understanding and acceptance of the emotions involved in their conflict were not always achieved.