NB:
I use the pronouns he or him to mean either he or she non-prejudicially. I find
it too awkward to use other forms.
It
is not uncommon in our society for pregnancy to be a reason, possibly the only
one, for a couple to marry. I have officiated at several first marriages where the
couple's child, or children were members of the wedding party. And
inadvertently I fell error to this order of things by beginning my series on
marriage and children before commenting on marriage itself.
The
ideal basis for a lasting marriage is FRIENDSHIP, not love. Love is a
complex set of emotions centered in the self. Friendship implies liking each other and is centered in
both. Love too often sails in tempestuous seas; friendship in much calmer
waters. Love is feeling; friendship is behaving. Love is often undergirded by
lust; friendship is free from that potential for disappointment or harm.
Friends almost never murder each other; lovers far more often do.
Friends
appreciate each other's merits and accept without criticism each other's faults,
and encourage each other to be open and honest. Love chafes at the other's
imperfections and tries to change them. During one of a couple's ten
pre-marriage sessions I saw each individually and asked, "What behavior(s)
of your mate are you going to change after you are married?" The correct
answer, which I seldom got, is none.
Much more often I was told that s/he will stop the other from doing something, or
will make the other do something(s) not yet being done. These potential
criticisms are the seeds that will give rise to the weeds of dissension in the
garden of their marriage.
There
were two tests that I used with a couple I was counseling. The first I applied
as I ushered them into my office for their first session. In my counseling group
I had a comfortable chair and a small sofa and I would invite them to sit where
they wanted to. If they chose to sit together on the sofa, I felt optimistic
about their future; if they chose to sit apart, not so much. The second test I
initiated toward the end of the first session if I sensed the three of us were
comfortable with each other. I would abruptly ask each at the same time,
"Do you like him?" Most
often the couple would simultaneously reaffirm their love for each other. I
would ask the same question again. Usually neither would respond immediately
and then one would ask what I meant. I would then ask, "If today you met
your partner for the first time at a social event, after spending some time
with him would you want to go on a date with him?" What was most often
revealed by the couple's answers to these questions was that neither one really
liked the other. A marriage that does not have friendship at its core is a
marriage doomed to fail.
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send it to me at mailto:bfoswald78@gmail.com. Thank you.
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